media_og


podcasts



Dr. Amelia Kelley is back! You may remember her from the popular episode about being a highly sensitive person (HSP), strategies for self-care, and how being an HSP can affect relationships. This time, we are talking about healing from gaslighting. In fact, Dr. Kelley has a new book/workbook called, “Gaslighting Recovery for Women.”  She shares some of the book’s insights in this episode.

We talk about how to recover from gaslighting, including the importance of understanding it, and then, later, some steps toward healing. Dr. Kelley’s passion is to equip women who have experienced gaslighting to understand what happened to them, how to protect themselves from potential gaslighting in the future, and how to understand the nuances between medical, relational, societal, and family gaslighting.

Featured topics include:

  • Gaslighting: what it is, what it isn’t, and where/how it shows up (8:13)
  • The act of lying is not gaslighting (11:27)
  • Tactics of gaslighting used by abusers (14:09)
  • The seven stages of gaslighting (21:56)
  • How gaslighting affects women, specifically (36:11)
  • How do you get out of a relationship where gaslighting is occurring? (40:13)
  • Beginning to heal: It is a time to be inquisitive, not a time to blame or shame yourself and enhance your relationship with Self (56:13)

Learn more about Dr. Amelia Kelly:

Dr. Amelia Kelley is a trauma-informed therapist who has conducted research on the effects of exercise on adult ADHD symptoms as well as the effects of resiliency on PTSD. She is a trained Hypno-therapist, Art therapist, HSP Therapist, EMDR-informed therapist, meditation teacher, as well as a Certified Yoga instructor integrating therapeutic yoga and psychotherapy. She is a trainer, podcaster and writer in the “science-help” field focusing on; women’s issues, empowering survivors of abuse and relationship trauma, Highly Sensitive Persons, motivation, healthy living, and adult ADHD.

Dr. Kelley is an adjunct counseling professor at Yorkville University as well as a nationally recognized relationship expert featured on XM Radio’s Doctor Channel on The Psychiatry Show. She is a coach and trainer for SAS’s Work/Life Program in Cary, NC and a resident trainer for the NC Art Therapy Institute. Her private practice is currently part of the Traumatic Stress Research Consortium at the Kinsey Institute. She is a co-author of What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship and a contributing author for the Highly Sensitive Refuge. You can find out more about her work at her website www.ameliakelley.com or by following her on Instagram @drameliakelley.

Resources & Links:

Pre-order Kate’s book “The D Word” 
Should I Stay or Should I Go
Grit and Grace
Private Coaching with Kate
Dr. Kelley’s website
Gaslighting Recovery for Women
Dr Kelley’s Insight Timer
Dr. Kelley on Instagram
What My Bones Know, Stephanie Foo
CoDA



CW: This episode contains discussion of domestic abuse. If you, or someone you know, is in immediate danger, call 000.

Narcissism, love bombing, and gaslighting are terms that are thrown around liberally, but what do they actually mean? And when should we start worrying about these behaviours and traits? Dr Amelia Kelley, co-author of What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship, joins Cam and Ali in the bathroom to offer advice from years of experience working with survivors of domestic abuse.

If this episode has raised any issues for you, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or visit 1800respect.org.au.

LINKS

Got a question for Cam & Ali? You can email them at separatebathrooms@novapodcasts.com.au.

CREDITS

Hosts: Cameron Daddo and Alison Brahe-Daddo. 
Managing Producer: Elle Beattie. 
Producer and Editor: Amy Kimball.

Find more great podcasts like this at novapodcasts.com.au.

Separate Bathrooms would like to acknowledge the Gadigal people of the Eora nation, the First Peoples of the land on which we work. We acknowledge that sovereignty was never ceded, and recognise their enduring connections to country, knowledge and stories. We pay our respects to Elders past and present, and extend that respect to all First Nations people listening.


The story of intimate partner abuse unfolds from the beginning of a relationship until the end in the book What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After and Abusive Relationship.

Dr. Amelia Kelly provides the clinical voice in the book, and she writes alongside co-author Kendall Ann Combs who shares her story of abuse.

Listen as Dr. Kelley shares her perspective on topics such as narcissistic behavior, love-bombing, and how to recognize intimate partner abuse.

Learn more about Dr. Kelley


Whether you are a survivor of domestic violence, or in a relationship wrought with intimidation, gaslighting or control of any kind, it’s time to regain the part of yourself that you may have lost and find your support network to regain living your true authentic life. In What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship written by co-author Dr. Amelia Kelley and survivor Kendall Ann Combs, the authors use the journey of Ms. Combs’ tragic relationship experience along with Dr. Kelley’s trauma-informed, psychotherapist techniques and real strategies to support women and men who have experienced toxic, unhealthy, abusive relationships.


Can we acknowledge that emotional abuse happens, and still put our trust in love? What are the unrecognized signs of emotional abuse? How can we become empowered after an abusive relationship? Find out in this week’s episode of The Learn to Love Podcast, where your host Zach Beach interviews the trauma-informed therapist and author Dr. Amelia Kelley on Recognizing Emotional Abuse. For more on this episode click here: https://www.the-heart-center.com/ep-92-recognizing-emotional-abuse-with-dr-amelia-kelley/ Learn more about your guest below: Dr. Amelia Kelley is a trauma-informed therapist who has conducted research on the effects of exercise on ADHD symptoms as well as the effects of resiliency on PTSD. She is a trained Hypno-therapist, Art therapist, HSP Therapist, EMDR-informed therapist and meditation and Yoga teacher. She is a presenter and writer in the “science-help” field focusing on relationships, Highly Sensitive Persons, trauma, motivation, healthy living, and adult ADHD. She is a guest podcast presenter focusing on women’s issues and coping with the trauma of unhealthy relationships, as well as a coach and trainer for SAS’s Work/Life Program in Cary, NC and a resident trainer for the NC Art Therapy Institute. Her practice is also currently part of the Traumatic Stress Research Consortium at the Kinsey Institute. For more information on Dr. Amelia Kelley, please visit: www.Ameliakelley.com Learn more at – www.Ameliakelley.com – https://twitter.com/DrAmeliaKelley – https://www.facebook.com/DrAmeliaKelley/ – https://www.instagram.com/whatiwishiknewthebook – https://twitter.com/DrAmeliaKelley – https://www.ananiasfoundation.org/domestic-violence-statistics – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7195322/ Learn more about your host and the show at: www.zachbeach.com www.the-heart-center.com Support The Show: If you like the show there are many ways you can support it, such as, – Check out The Heart Center’s upcoming 8-week Compassion Cultivation Training with Mary Doane starting April 19th: https://www.the-heart-center.com/programs/compassion-cultivation-training/ – Buy a book from our blossoming professional network: http://www.the-heart-center.com/books/ – Register for Relationship Mastery, a 6-week self-guided course to take your relationship to the next level. https://www.the-heart-center.com/relationship-mastery-landing-page/ – Check out one of our sponsors, Listenable, and use the discount code “zachbeach” for the first seven days on the platform for free. There you can find Zach’s How To Be a Better Partner Course: https://frstre.com/go/?a=76205-87a7d9&s=1256514-e13191&p_affiliate.referral_code=zachbeach – Purchase The Seven Lessons of Love: Heart Wisdom for Troubling Times on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Lessons-Love-Heart-Wisdom-Troubling/dp/1983940704/ – Purchase a love shirt and show the world your love of love https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-heart-center/ – Review, Like, and Subscribe to the show on iTunes. – Like us on Facebook facebook.com/learntolovenow – Join the Facebook Community Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1428012130828678/


Conflicts are opportunities to learn more about your partner, and depending on how you handle them, they can either bring you closer together or lead to a toxic dynamic, or worse, an abusive relationship. If it’s the latter, how do you determine whether to stay or leave the relationship? While some people recognize that they should leave an unhealthy relationship early on, others choose to stay. Dr. Amelia Kelley shed some light on why these people aren’t making the same decision. She also discusses warning signs of abuse or potential abuse, as well as how to empower someone in an abusive relationship to stop this dynamic, find support, and heal from trauma. Dr. Amelia Kelley is a trauma-informed therapist who has conducted research on the effects of exercise on ADHD symptoms as well as the effects of resiliency on PTSD. She is a trained Hypnotherapist, Art therapist, HSP Therapist, EMDR-informed therapist, and meditation and yoga teacher. She is a presenter and writer in the “science-help” field focusing on relationships, Highly Sensitive Persons, trauma, motivation, healthy living, and adult ADHD. She is a guest podcast presenter focusing on women’s issues and coping with the trauma of unhealthy relationships, as well as a coach and trainer for SAS’s Work/Life Program in Cary, NC, and a resident trainer for the NC Art Therapy Institute. Her practice is also currently part of the Traumatic Stress Research Consortium at the Kinsey Institute. Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin’s website. In this episode 5:00 The increased domestic violence during the pandemic. 7:02 Dr. Kelley’s “aha!” moment that got her interested in helping people who have experienced trauma. 9:49 Why do people react differently to trauma? 14:38 Signs of a potentially abusive person. 28:50 Significant reasons why people are unable to confront or exit this situation. 38:52 Why highly sensitive people struggle more with decision making. 42:41 How to discern whether or not you should end the relationship and where someone in an abusive relationship can find support. Mentioned What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Internal Family Systems Model (*Wikipedia) Connect with Amelia Kelley Websites: ameliakelley.com — insighttimer.com/kelleycounseling Facebook: facebook.com/DrAmeliaKelley/ Twitter: twitter.com/DrAmeliaKelley Instagram: instagram.com/drameliakelley/ Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.


Claudia King, Dr. Amelia Kelley


Making the choice to leave an abusive relationship can be one of the most difficult things a person has to do. Without the right resources and support, it would be hard to move on even after you have cut your ties with your abuser. Being in an abusive relationship causes you to constantly pay more attention to your surroundings than is necessary. So, in this episode, Dr. Amelia Kelley discusses some useful techniques for managing feelings of anxiety, depression, and hypervigilance, as well as how to retrain your body to feel secure in any situation. Dr. Amelia Kelley is a trauma-informed therapist who has conducted research on the effects of exercise on ADHD symptoms as well as the effects of resiliency on PTSD. She is a trained hypnotherapist, art therapist, HSP Therapist, EMDR-informed therapist, and meditation and yoga teacher. She is a presenter and writer in the “science-help” field, focusing on relationships, highly sensitive people, trauma, motivation, healthy living, and adult ADHD. She is a guest podcast presenter focusing on women’s issues and coping with the trauma of unhealthy relationships, as well as a coach and trainer for SAS’s Work/Life Program in Cary, NC, and a resident trainer for the NC Art Therapy Institute. Her practice is also currently part of the Traumatic Stress Research Consortium at the Kinsey Institute. Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin’s website. In this episode 7:18 How to rediscover yourself and rebuild your self-confidence after an abusive relationship. 20:32 Managing feelings of anxiety, stress, and hypervigilance. 40:43 Useful strategies for beginning self-healing. 43:04 A summary of her book, What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship and the narrative that inspired it. Mentioned What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship (*Instagram) High Heels and Heartache Podcast (*Apple podcast) ERP 321: How to Tell the Difference Between an Abusive Relationship & a Toxic Dynamic — An Interview with Dr. Amelia Kelley Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love Connect with Amelia Kelley Websites: ameliakelley.com 


articles


Mom Life

October 29, 2023

The news has been consumed with the devastation from the Israel-Hamas War that broke out just one week ago. As parents, we hope to preserve the time when our children believe in mythical creatures instead of being aware that people who want to hurt others exist. It can feel overwhelming as a parent to know how to navigate our own feelings around the war, let alone know how to shield or inform our own children about what is happening.


My name is Dr. Amelia Kelley and I am a trauma-informed therapist and advocate for survivors of domestic violence and other forms of relationship trauma. With 20 years of experience as a therapist, I have seen first-hand the impact that gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse can have on survivors as well as gaslighting often found in marginalized areas in our society.

In addition to counseling, I am a coach, professor and public speaker, and have had the honor of speaking with several interesting thought leaders from around the world. After my first book, which I co-authored with podcast host, Kendall Ann Combs, What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship published in 2022 I had the opportunity to cover the topic of gaslighting more in depth and explore how it negatively impacts survivors of domestic violence and other forms of relationship trauma. This led to a viral article in PureWow that explored “6 Gaslighting Phrases” that are markers of true toxicity.

When writing about any topic I commonly refer to myself as a “method writer.” Much like an actor who learns to take on a role or persona, I entrench myself in the topic from every angle possible. I will listen to podcasts, watch TED Talks, Vlogs, ask my clients about their experience and opinions, talk with family and friends, read any article or book that has value on the topic, and even find myself daydreaming about the topic until I feel like I can flush out its many angles and experience true empathy about what it feels like to walk in the shoes of that lived experience. 

READ THE WHOLE ARTICLE


In her anthem “My Type,” Saweetie lays out all of the things she looks for in a romantic partner—down to how much money he earns and what kind of car he drives. (And even, ahem, how well-endowed he is.) While not everyone has a wishlist as specific as the rapper’s, research does back up the idea that people have particular romantic “types” they gravitate toward—sometimes over and over again.

But just because it’s common doesn’t mean that everyone is content to stick with their types. According to a survey by Badoo, a dating app, 77 percent of daters wanted to try dating outside of their type—aka “untyping.”

READ THE WHOLE ARTICLE


A persistent need for admiration and regular manipulation efforts are possible signs your wife is living with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Narcissism itself isn’t a disorder. It occurs on a spectrum like many other personality traits. On one end is acceptable self-love that helps motivate and maintain self-esteem. 

On the other end of the spectrum is narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a mental health condition featuring patterns of self-love that disregard others’ well-being. 

The term “narcissist” typically refers to people living with NPD or those on the NPD end of the spectrum.

Despite how abusive behaviors of narcissism can be, people living with NPD can be outwardly charming and winsome. They often secure relationships — even marriages. But over time the patterns of NPD are revealed.

Signs your wife lives with NPD

1. ‘What about me’ focus

One of the core features of NPD is a lack of empathy, the ability to relate to how other people are feeling and thinking. 

Kayode explains in a marriage, this can come across as a lack of care from your wife and a constant focus on how circumstances affect her, rather than both of you.

“Overall it may seem as [your wife] does not care,” she says. “This may look like a communication style that adverts back to the wife and a ‘what about me’ attitude when you do try to vocalize your feelings and concerns.”

2. Children as status symbols

If you and your wife have children, you may notice their achievements become synonymous with your wife’s achievements. 

Riding on the coattails of your children’s success is a way for a wife living with NPD to claim admiration and validation for being a “successful” mother.

3. Using appearance for validation

Kayode indicates wives living with NPD still have the same over-inflated sense of self seen in men living with NPD, but it typically presents as excessive focus on their physical appearance rather than boastfulness.

This doesn’t necessarily mean your wife is dressed to the nine’s all the time for attention. There are more subtle ways spouses can gain attention from their appearance.

“[In a marriage] this can manifest as being overly preoccupied with social media and receiving positive likes and comments from others,” Kayode says.

4. Playing the victim

Playing the victim is a trait of covert narcissism that uses exaggerated harm to gain praise, comfort, and attention. 

If your wife plays the victim, minor inconveniences are made out to be major setbacks that require profuse apologizing or sympathizing before she can move forward.

5. Guilt trips and silent treatments

Another tenant of covert narcissism is passive-aggressive behavior instead of blatant aggression. In a marriage, this can look like guilt-tripping and silent treatments, especially when there’s something for your wife to gain if you give in.

6. Not having your back

Dr. Amelia Kelley, a trauma-informed therapist from Cary, North Carolina, indicates a wife living with NPD isn’t afraid to exploit others for personal gain, including her husband.

She says this can emerge as issues with aligning with their partner if it risks their persona.

In other words, if you have an unpopular opinion, your wife will likely side with the most influential person in the group rather than support you. She may even make remarks at your expense to further separate from an opinion she thinks reflects poorly on her.

7. Moral jealousy

Jealousy of others and the sense that others are jealous of you is a core symptom of narcissism.

Lisa Lawless, a clinical psychotherapist from Bend, Oregon, points out that a wife living with NPD might not only be jealous, but she might try to justify her jealousy through good intentions.

“Those with NPD are often controlling and easily jealous; however, in women, this will usually be presented in a way that seems to take a moral high ground rather than in the form of anger,” she explains.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE WHOLE ARTICLE


Two days before my ex-boyfriend broke up with me, I wrote him a letter. (To protect his privacy, let’s call him Dan.)

Dan and I had been dating for three months, and during that time, I believed I was in a healthy relationship. Never mind that we got into pointless arguments or that Dan was quick to call me out on my faults. What mattered was that we cared about each other and wanted this relationship to work. But here’s the thing: I wasn’t being completely honest with myself. Deep down, I knew that something was…off. I couldn’t put my finger on it. But there were little signs that started to concern me—like the fact that I began to doubt my own memories and my ability to communicate clearly.

READ THE WHOLE ARTICLE HERE


I was happy to be quoted in an article on brides.com

https://www.brides.com/reasons-marriage-to-a-passive-aggressive-spouse-is-so-lonely-1103090

“Being passive aggressive occurs when someone is trying to indirectly express negative feelings as opposed to sharing them openly,” explains trauma-informed therapist Amelia Kelley. “It does not always occur through verbal communication, but can also happen when someone withholds effort, doesn’t follow through with tasks, withdrawals from interaction, or purposefully sabotages situations and relationships.” Basically, someone tries to make their frustrations known without using direct confrontation. 


For HSPs, the emotional toll of a breakup can feel like riding a vicious wave where the nervous system cannot “right” itself. Here’s how to not drown.

Most people can agree: Breakups are hard, especially if you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP). The process of ending a relationship, even for the right reasons, can feel impossibly difficult. Research has found this to be true, too. Among divorced couples in Britain, one study foundthat the stress leading up to a breakup — and the feelings immediately following — are subjectively similar. The researchers also found that mental health, and life satisfaction, improved significantly within the first year after the breakup.

While there is an end to the pain after a breakup, a year may feel like an eternity, especially if you are a highly sensitive person (HSP), which accounts for nearly 30 percent of the human population. HSPs are already more sensitive to pain than most, but the growing pains after a breakup can completely overwhelm one’s sensitive nervous system. The intensity is so strong that it feels like they will never recover. 

READ MORE


You may have been told it’s all in your head. But what if HSPs really do feel pain more intensely?

I remember the look on my dentist’s face when I asked for yet another round of Novocain as he dug into my tooth, performing a long overdue root canal (thank you, COVID-19 lockdown!). He remarked that most people he treated never asked for the amount I needed. 

He was probably right — because most people he treated, around 70 percent of the population, are not highly sensitive people (HSPs). I, on the other hand, am part of the nearly 30 percent who do feel pain more intensely. This is likely due to the fact that we sensitive people feel things more deeply and extensively than non-HSPs. (In fact, our brains are still busy processing even when we’re resting!)

But what exactly does it mean to have a poor pain tolerance? What it does not mean is that someone cannot “handle” pain. Quite the contrary: When it comes to HSPs, many of us have been trained to “deal” with our pain by grinning and bearing it. 

READ MORE


Your attachment style helps determine how healthy (and happy) your relationships are — and there’s a lot you can do to change it.

When exploring what brings people joy, healthy relationships are at the top of the list. And, for highly sensitive people (HSPs), the quality of their relationships is even more crucial — because they are more deeply affected by the people around them.

Feeling “secure,” meaning each person is accessible, consistent, safe and emotionally responsive, is the basis of a healthy relationship. This is what psychologists call having a secure attachment style, and it’s just one of several attachment styles people can have. That means that understanding your attachment style — whether it is “secure” or not — is essential to your happiness as a highly sensitive person.

READ MORE


Nearly 1 in 3 people are wired to soak up emotions. Here’s what to do when it goes wrong.

One of the remarkable parts of being a highly sensitive person (HSP) is their profound ability to experience empathy. And since HSPs make up nearly 30 percent of the population, that means there are a lot of empathetic people out there.

When the neural activity of HSPs was examined as they viewed images of human emotions ranging from positive, negative, and neutral facial expressions, researchers found heightened brain activity in HSPs across all emotional conditions, whether the image was of a stranger or someone they knew. The activated brain areas were associated with awareness and attention, action planning, and empathy. 

Because HSPs are emotional sponges and empaths by nature, they often are also highly compassionate. Interestingly, though, you can experience one without the other, because empathy and compassion are uniquely different.  

READ MORE


books


In What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship

“Experiencing emotional or physical abuse is so isolating, and this book reads like a trusted friend. For people who are trying to figure out whether what they are experiencing is normal or toxic, to those who have managed to extricate themselves from the clutches of abuse – this is a power resource.”
-Mario Guido, Executive Editor of ScaryMommy.com
 
Whether you are a survivor of domestic violence, or in a relationship wrought with intimidation, gaslighting or control of any kind, it’s time to regain the part of yourself that you have lost and find support to live your true authentic life. In What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship written by co-authors Dr. Amelia Kelley and survivor Kendall Ann Combs, the journey of Ms. Combs’ tragic relationship experience along with Dr. Kelley’s trauma-informed, psychotherapist techniques and real strategies to support women and men who have experienced toxic, unhealthy, abusive relationships. Dr. Kelley’s whole health approach to healing and self-care is critical for those suffering from violence and other forms of relationship abuse. She shares eye-opening anecdotes, cutting-edge research, facts, and intimate wisdom in this much needed, gripping guide.


Next Steps

In this book, divorce attorney James Hart, principal attorney at The Hart Law Firm in Cary, North Carolina, outlines the steps you should take to protect yourself if you are facing a legal separation or divorce. Topics covered include deciding whether or not you should move forward with a legal separation, what a legal separation means, various tools and mechanisms to help you resolve your case, a description of the legal process, and how you should go about finding and hiring a divorce lawyer. With collaborations by Dr. Amelia Kelley, noted marriage counselor and family therapist, this book is an invaluable resource for anyone considering a legal separation or divorce.